sometimes there's nothing that sums it all better than a song that speaks out exactly what you feel..
this is for you, alif aidzil..

There’s nothing I could say to you

Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know how far you’d go
I know I let you down but it's not like that now
This time I’ll never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life I’ll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything OK

I thought that I had everything I didn’t know what life could bring
But now I see honestly
You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe 'cause you're here with me
And if I let you down I’ll turn it all around
Cause I would never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life I’ll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything OK

Cause with out you I can’t sleep
I’m not gonna ever ever let you leave
You’re all I got
You’re all I want
Yeah
And without you I don’t know what I’d do
I could never ever live a day with out you
Hear with me do you see you're all I need

And I will be all that you want and get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life (my life) I will be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything OK

I will be (I’ll be) all that you want and get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life you know I will be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything OK

What If

   the biggest question in life in "what if", "how if"? how if i never met him? what if i never took that job? what if, that night, i decided to walk the other way around? then, i would've never met you. would i have met you elsewhere? would we have still went out on that fateful 31st march? would we still be together now?

    these questions can suffocate you of its endless possibilities. it can also make you regret, of not taking that bus, or not taking that chance, or for being too impatient and not wait for him, or ever having decided to be with someone else. likewise, it can make you eternally grateful, for saying 'hi' back, for not running away, and for saying 'yes' when you should have. yes, the "what if"s can suffocate you.

   it can be really hard not to dwell on this all day long. looking back and seeing the thread where you think you've made a mistake or mistakes, and where you're sure you've made the right choice but beginning to wonder again now. would i have been as happy with him now if i am with someone else? would i miss him if i never knew him? yes, the "what if"s can make you doubt to.

    but what makes me strong is thinking about how much i have now, not what i don't have. i won't ponder on the past anymore or what could have been, instead i will look only at you and i know in my heart that i would never trade you for anything else in the world. although there may be times where the "what if"s prodded my mind, in the end, i would always come back to you and remember how much love we share and how our love will give us the rest of it.

My Prayer Everyday

    i would go to sleep at night tired and full of anticipation for tomorrow. but every night before i close my eyes, i would be reminded time and again why i am grateful to You. i thank You, Allah, for such happiness, for such a person that could have made me so happy. tears would flow on my cheeks as i play again his sweet words in my mind and let the blissfulness spread through my body.

     when i put my two hands up to You, i pray that we shall never have to be apart. i pray that we be given the strength to go through life, knowing how difficult it would be but that we'd go through it together. i pray that You shall never take him away from me because i have nothing left. i pray that You'd help him through the worse of life when i cannot be there for him. i pray to You to forgive our sins and help us make a better future. i pray that our love stay true and our heart strong.

     and if i ever forget to thank You before going to sleep, his love for me, his devotion and care would have made me ever so grateful and happy that i would cry to sleep thinking how grateful i am to YOU.

Memories

     memories. i wonder people call it that. maybe it's something you have to remember and not forget. but i don't like the idea of it sometimes. i feel so sad when i think of the memories between me and the people i love.
those precious moments, every bit of it. the laughter, the conversations, the joy that we shared. every bit of it is like a thin mist. you thought you could grab it but, when you reached forward, you realized that you're reaching for nothing.

     memories never felt enough. you can only look at it and try to imprint it on your mind as best you can so that you'll remember it forever but, that's all you can do. you cannot capture in any other way. not in movies, not in pictures. and what i fear most is that i'm going to forget.

      and sometimes, you'd wish to forget what you remember and remember what you forget.

can someone be more in ecstasy?
can someone be more in love than me?

intoxicated
by his smile, his voice, his laugh, his eyes
oh, Love
will you be mine forever?
will it be for eternity?
tell me, are you the one?

the world spins around us
but we keep still
still in our own little world
enveloped by our subtle caresses
loved by our violent heart
oh, Love
hit by your arrow
take us away in this dream

oh, Love
do not be cruel
tender as you may seem
we much fear your sudden tantrum
keep us together
forever
in love

my light

light usually symbolizes warmth
light is hope
light gives guidance
it means a sense of existence
if light means all this
then you are my light
your love warms my heart
you give me hope and guidance
without you i cannot exist
you are my light
that shines through my darkest day
and shines ever brighter in my happiest moment
you are my light

how do i say to you
about my hopes, my dreams?
i want to say so much
with so little word
so little time
i am leaving soon
yes, i am.


but you must know that i'll be back
i want so much for us
so much more for myself
and yet, even without it all
i will be content with only you.


i dread being so far away from you
and yet, i can't wait to go
because i can't wait to come back
i have so much pride in what i can achieve
but i'll be so ever proud of having you
i want to achieve so much, do so much
but at night, when i go to sleep
i just want you.


how to say it all, how to make you feel what i feel
only the best word ever invented that sums it all
I LOVE YOU.

love

what is love?
for me,
love is when i have to catch my breath
every time i think of you
love is when a dose of you everyday
keep me alive.

love is when a day seems to drag too long
before we meet again
love is when the thought of you
occupy every second of my life.

love is when you say "don't"
and i say "okay" though i can always say "no"
love is when i am always myself when i'm with you
but it is the best of me.

love is when i smiled hearing your name
though they're not talking about you
love is when you make me smile
sad or happy
love is when you're always there for me
and i'm always there for you.

love is when i miss you all the time
love is when i want nobody else but you
love is when i want you by my side, always
in sickness and in health
love is when i love you
and you'll love me.

to feel so inadequate
to look into the mirror
and unable to look at yourself in the eyes
because then,
you'd see the fear and the pain,
the loneliness behind that facade.

life pass through me
time trickles away
and i'm still here
hurt and empty.

even as i stand here
my dreams become a reality, one by one
but i still can't grasp that sense of happiness
the deeper i search,
the more i learn,
the more questions i have
yet, i never have felt more.